Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
