how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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