...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
