fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
