My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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