he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
