Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
