wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
