I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
