Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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