i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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