That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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