My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
