Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize