Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
