the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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