Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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