Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
