How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize