By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
