youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
