five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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