Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
