morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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