i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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