Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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