Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
