and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
