Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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