She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize