I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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