Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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