I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
