If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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