My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Sorry about my life...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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