I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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