i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
