grandma shit on top of the toilet
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
