You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize