My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
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You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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