I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
