She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
