There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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