SEEEEXXX PLEASE
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
