You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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