if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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