just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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