Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
