Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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