i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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