Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
She said her name was "party"
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
