Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
this hospital has no fireball
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
