i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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