my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Randomize
