capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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