I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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