I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
