I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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