last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
