The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
